Tree of Thanks or Tree of Shame?
December 8th, 2008 by tsullivanHere’s a lesson in the power of impressions over reality and the dangers of unintended consequences. It’s from New Jersey where one PTO’s “tree” (in the school hallway, each leaf represents a family that donated to the PTO) is causing quite a stir.
Worth noting first that i am 100% certain that the PTO leaders here had no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings or causing harm.
But that doesn’t change how some parents feel, and that reality has to be taken into account. I hope these guys can all come back together. It sounds like this group already does a great job of thanking volunteers all year round, so my suggestion: how about makig this tree two times or three times as big and combining the $$ donators and the hours donators on one big community tree in a “we’re all in this together” spirit.
How do you feel about this dust-up? Should the parents who donated nothing just pony up a buck and get a leaf? Or is this gripe legit?
December 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I am the current President of our PTO. I volunteer my time because I can’t give much money, if any. I feel it is just as important to have the tree recognize the hours put in as well as the money but I do realize how many leaves this may entail. Just as a warning to future plans of other groups, maybe getting back to simple thank you notes is the best practice overall.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Well this saddens me that it even made it to the newspaper. We are in a society where we must “include” everyone and not recognize people for the sake of excluding others.
I really really find it hard to believe that in this day a parent cannot donate even $1 to a childs school. I really do. We have phones, cable, cars, cell phones and not $1 to support school, where the child is 180 days out of the year???
I think the parents that are whinning should be ashamed that they 1. felt they way they did and 2. tried to make everyone else feel that way.
I am sure that their child will be benefiting from the programs and events that others helped pay for. If you donate – you should have a leaf!
Thank you – Janet
December 9th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Bah Humbug! Leave up the tree to recognize those that help the PTO and therefore the kids!
December 9th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I think publishing cash donors is wrong. I think it would be better to publish individuals who have donated time. Honestly, time is more valuable to me.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
i think parents who donate time are to be thanked even more. every hear time is money. well parents show kids they care by giving of themselves and not just giving the easy way out which is money. Wehope our kids will become charitable in their hearts more than their pockets
December 9th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I think that the parents who feel ashamed are feeling guilty and you can not tell me that they could not give $5 to the PTO anual fund. I deal with this everyday because I am a PTO president and the parents who help are always the same ones and then there are those that benefit from all of our hard work yet do nothing to help. I am sorry but they should be able to thank people anyway they want to and those that don’t like it then they need to step up. Even if it is a $1. I am a single mother of two kids. I work two jobs and gave up child support so my kids could continue in their education at a private school. I am also PTO president and I have no extra money in these hard times but I won’t walk around with my head in shame because I give hours upon hours everyweek working on the next PTO thing. We have raised close to $20, 000 already this year and it was through fund raisers, yard sales etc not asking for donations.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Yikes. Our principal and PTO stresses “time, money, or talent” with no differentiation in how the volunteerism takes place (and most of us donate in more than one category). The school needs all three to work, and the PTO needs to stop differentiating between the time donors (cutting out paper or making copies or supervising field trips), the talent donors (the web guru, the landscape design folks, the legal firm), or the people who write a check.
Perhaps the school in question could come up with a way to thank every family in a similar way instead of money donors in one locale and the time donors in a newsletter.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Hello.
Anyone heard of the topic “think, before you speak?
The tree was a nice idea; but truly does discriminate those that
cannot afford. I have been on the end of not being able to afford
but I do so in volunteer ways. However, the topic missed a valuable
point. It is the children who do not see their parents names on the tree that suffer..was that the goal?
The topic of the same people always do the things for the PTO
brings me to a topic of our own schools’; sometimes the PTO leaders/staff get a “big head” they can do it all in their elite groups
and don’t bother to include the parents volunteerism until the night before when they realize their not super PTO and THEN call. We have a PTO group which, when the parents come to the meetings and suggest items of topic it falls on deaf ears..and thus the topics are never addressed. They quit coming to the meetings because of it. I know, from past experience that it takes a lot to be a leader; people…before you speak consider all the pros and cons please? If we do this..what will happen negatively…or positively..who does it benefit..who does it leave out?
Don’t forget the T of this organization either. Our teachers at our school put equal time to do events at our schools too. They are in class all day and into the night for the event. It takes out of their busy lives as well. They deserve thank yous too. I long ago had the suggestion that the children do the thanking and it worked well. They posted their thank yous on the wall of the school . Our brownie troop thanks the janitors each time they use a room with a treat and a written thank you. Small courtesies do go a long way!
I would thank EVERY parent/teacher, not just those who volunteer. The important thing is that the PTO group bring ideas together for all involved; not just for a few.
PTO Today does a fine job of discussions. I hope this covers yet another view.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
On the one hand, I think the parents that are complaining are being unfair. It was obviously not the intention of the PTO to “shame” others into giving. I agree with the person above who said we have gotten this idea that we have to “include” everybody, even when there is a definite difference in people. That was part of the whole self-esteem movement that has now been shown to be bogus.
However, if a simple 4 foot tall, construction paper tree causes so much strife that it reaches the newspaper, it should be taken down. Period. Even with the best of intentions, it backfired. So the group should cut their losses and remove it for good.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
What is wrong with people these days! It was NOT meant to shame, nor was there a minimum amount to give to get a leaf. Could every family in that school honestly not be able to give even $1??
If people felt shame, I don’t think it was because they earnestly could not afford to give, it was because they felt guilty for not doing it themselves, knowing they should, but choosing not to.
And they, themselves, should be THANKFUL to those that did donate money because their child(ren) are benefitting!
People need to get over it and be appreciative for what they have…..if it’s not money they can personally donate, then be thankful to have families in school that can. In my opinion, every family should be donating one or the other! We’re talking about our children, their education….their future!
December 9th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I think recognition of all donations is important. I know we’ve discussed doing similar things with those who donate time, and part of the incentive is to have kids asking their parents why they aren’t participating because we have far too many uninvolved parents. They will show up for sports or Spring Carnival (to play, not to work), but they won’t take even 30 minutes to clean up after Grandparents’ Night or bake a cake for staff appreciation…the list goes on. As a president of a PTA, I’m grateful for ANY donation–time, talent, money, items for silent auctions, ideas, whatever! It just seems that no matter how hard we try (and we’ve really tried hard this year to be all-inclusive), parents don’t step up.
However, having said that, I do think that doing a “Money Tree” isn’t where you want your focus to be. If you’ve been reading Tim’s newsletters, you recognize how important it is to come across as not just wanting money all of the time. It seems that doing just a recognition of money donations would place the emphasis on just exactly that.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
somebody say, “need to grow up and get over yourselves!” If I were recognized for everything I did at my children’s schools, the staff wouldn’t have time to teach! How about light green and dark green leaves, money and no money? How about a paper chain, and everybody who does anything, volunteer, sends money, makes a donation of materials, time or talents adds a ring…above and beyond, sign the indside and add the link to the chain? How many times will that chain wrap around your child? Your child’s school? You will get your thanks, you’ll be able to see it in your grandchild’s eyes!
December 9th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Tree…bush…newsletter…this “we-must-award-and-give-thanks to all” to everyone is getting “overgrown.” I say it might even offend me if someone gets a big (whatever) and they didn’t do much of anything and I do a whole lot and I get the same (whatever)! Good golly. The thanks should be in knowing that the school is a success, the kids are happy and learning and stuff is getting done. As Tim says, it’s all about “creating a spirit that celebrates ” the willingness of the school to even let the parents be involved as they are. Enough said.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
I have to agree with many posts here… it’s sad that it made national attention, but, I have to also agree that it should be money, time or talent being recongized. I put tons of time in with our PTO and help with fundraisers – but is what I donated in cash more inportant than the time I gave to the organization? I think not.
Put more leaves on that tree… anyone that gave anything needs to be acknowleged!
December 9th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
I agree that volunteers are a valuable resource that is truly needed for a successful PTO however… when our PTO wants to provide classrooms with programs, computers, field trps ect. we can not pay the companies or performers in hours we need dollars.
I am saddened that some people actually think there was an alteria motive to the donation tree. The PTO was simply thanking people and now it has turned into a drama show. If my child came home and said that our name was not up I would simply explain we did not financially contribute or I would send in some $$. I would not whine about the tree, that is a poor example for me to set.
Thank you – Janet
December 10th, 2008 at 12:15 am
I am the present PTO president and was also the President last year probably clocking in over 1,500 hours and also donating money to whatever cause my children participate in. I do like the tree idea, however, it should include everyone-whether they give money or donate time-as long as they get involved with their children & the school, that’s what make our PTO work. WE have parents who have 5 children and that mom is always there for every function. I don’t think the PTO meant anyone any harm, they just didn’t look at both sides before they put up the tree. Best thing to do to calm things down is take down the tree. We send out thank you letters to everyone who volunteers even our students who help out while they also earn community service time
December 10th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Wow is all I can say!!!
My personal opinion is that the tree was wrong…not for the idea..but for what it contained. I think that it should have included ALL apects of volunteering and all of the parents contributions to the organization. Some parents are able to make a financial commitment but unable to make a time commitment or vice versa. The fact that some are able to make a 100.00 or more contribution does not make them anymore important to the organization than a parent that spends their entire day face painting or serving lemonade to the students at the Fall Fest. The fact is ..it is all important! I am a single parent and the President of my childrens schools volunteer organization and I know I would not be able to make the financial commitment that the school in mention was asking for. We did a “Wall of Thanks” it had a twister board theme and placed hands and feet on it to thanks the parents for their contributions to the school. It is kind of like going on a cruise..the captain is important right…and all the people on deck waiting to serve you, they are important too..correct?? But what about the people below deck that are working just as hard to get you to your destination safely?? There is NO job or contribution that is to big or to small when you have a common goal. The other issue at hand is that the teachers got to view this as well as the children. You want to be sensitive to all of your parents and their feelings and never forget that we are a team with a common purpose..”The Children” Let’s NEVER lose sight of that.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Adults role model for children. It’s not about receiving thanks but to be thankful for what others have to offer in either money, time or skill. This is overated. I am involved in our PTA not because I want recognition but because I love my child and want to instill citizenship in him. Adults let their egos get in the way of their doings. We are adults, we make decisions and have to live with those decisions. We are also responsible for our actions and the truth is I have learned you can never make everyone happy.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
The giving tree is located in the hallway of the school. It is in the same area that all of the parents stand when they pick up their children.
The PTO did not ask for $1. They asked for $100 to $150+ per family. The PTO did not mention at any time “give a $1 and you will receive a leaf on the giving tree. That comment was published in the newspaper.
Many parents in the school volunteer their time. Hours and hours are given to the school. We help the teachers, clean up after the parties. Some of us can not afford to give money to the PTO. We give to the classroom, buy the numerous scholastic books orders, the school stores, wrapping paper sales,
Take the tree down. National attention is disgusting.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:15 am
Although our family gives both to our school, as a PTO Board member I value volunteer time far more than money. However, volunteer time, money, and professional or trade expertise should all be accepted gratefully and with public thanks, unless the donor requests no public thanks. As an aside, I was disgusted by the PTO president’s statement that a family could give a dollar and the problem (of not having one’s name on the tree) would go away. That is extortion, no matter how the PTO frames it.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:52 am
WOW! First of all everyone’s child benefits from the money donated not just a choosen few. If the PTO did something along the lines of “donate and get your name removed from the list” that would be blackmail, this is saying THANK YOU, which more people could benefit from anyway. Maybe next time the PTO should do something like add a bird for each volunteer to the tree, a blue bird for so many hours, a red bird for so many, etc. But then again I think this is one of those times when you can’t please everyone. It’s really sad that this even made it to the papers, and makes you think twice about thanking anyone at all for fear of offending someone else.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
This is exactly the kind of thing that is causes burn-out in our PTO. Active volunteers having to constantly defend well intentioned acts. Both the cash and time volunteers got recognition albeit it different venues, what is the complaint? Remember that cash donation received no recognition until this point.
A true example of the saying: “No good deed goes unpunished”.
December 12th, 2008 at 4:22 am
Beng a past board member of our elementary school pta I can tell you it is a tricky spot to be in. You need both money and people to get ANYTHING done. We always tried to thank everyone equally. If you were going to have thanks in your newsletter then just leave it at THANKS and list all givers or if you are going to put up an appreciation tree list all givers there is no reason to single out a group by monetary or not. It’s a fine line, parent motivation. You just have to be positive and remember when planning these kinds of things that children are involved. The parent who doesn’t contribute might have a reason. If you really do find a need to differentiate then do that by sending a Thank You card as mentioned in one of the previous posts. If it is going to be in the open for all to see then it should include all who give.
December 15th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
As PTO president at our school, I think I would of had to put all names of parents volunteering time,money or anything on the tree, without mentioning what they dontated. Parent involvement is what it is all about for the kids and the school. We could not make it without parents help. Not who has the most money to donate, Sometimes its easier to give money, but it’s harder to find the free time to give yourself and that is more important,Children need to see there parents care about there school and them.At our school we have fundraiser to raise money, and our parents are wonderful at our school donating there time and working hard on the fundraiser. I’m sure the PTO did not intentionally mean to hurt any of there parents, it is a good idea, just should of went about it in a diffrent way maybe… Better luck next time,
December 17th, 2008 at 10:31 am
hey, isn’t this just the same as going to the store, purchasing one of the $1.00 cards writting your name on it and it hanging there in the store. I don’t believe it is wrong to make this tree. It is showing support that helped the school. We have many parents that tell me I don’t bother with fundraiser because my child won’t be left out of event that it’s paying for, so why bother to help….
September 11th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I am the PTO president 2 years raining and I understand that while time is a critical element, money is the root of all things in this world. You should never thank or recognize only the ones who give time. I give all my time because I cannot financially back the PTO, but the ones who financially back the PTO cannot give their time so freely. We never differentiate them. Both considered volunteers.