I am the pres. at our school and we are having trouble with a dad who wants to be treated as a member of the board (he is not, he wont step up and actually hold an office), have control of everything and bully until he gets his way. He has been doing this at meetings and to teachers for years. He is very arrogant and snotty and constantly offends people. We put up with him last year because we desperately needed his wifes help, 4 of us were doing everything, we were lucky if 5 other parents showed up at events to help. This year we are much more organized and have done a committement drive and are thrilled with the response, but after his behavior at our last meeting I'm afraid we will lose what few people we have gained. Our school is a small, inner-city, poor school and it's tough to get parents involved. At every meeting and event he announces "he knows" how whatever should be done because he graduated from a top private college here, blah blah blah. He has attacked me and our vice president personally with snide, completely inapproprate comments, done the same to our secretary's husband last year, and basically offends everyone everytime he opens his mouth. At our first meeting he was asking ridiculous questions, esp to our new principle with a really snotty "i know the answer do you attitude", and afterwards a new mom at our school, this was her first meeting, asked me about him and couldnt believe the way he acted. I'm afraid if she felt the way she did, how many others there did and wont come back. Who knows who he will offend at upcoming events. He strikes me as a very insecure person who always has something to prove and whose opinion is obviously superior because of who he is. I've had it, I did make it clear to the board that he is no longer to be included in our conversations or our business, he had everyone upset and fighting all summer, I actually only went to 1 of the summer planning meetings because I just couldnt deal with it. I just dont see how we can make our PTO a positive experience for anyone with him around. If I have to say something to him, I dont want other people to be scared off. He is very intimidating because he is so loud and obnoxious, and frankly after how he treated me I'm also afraid I'm going to lose my temper, even though I would love to put him in his place. At our open house we had a large basket filled with goodies that new members could enter to win if they signed up and he put his wifes name in it. When her name was drawn I went back to ask about it because they consider themselves a part of the board and he announced with arms outstretched that they are not board members and should win it. I had teachers and parents make comments to me about this. UGH. He even made comments to one of our custodians who we love and who does so much for us at open house, and made her mad. HELP!! Anyway, the principle has said there is nothing she can do because he's a parent. HELP!!!!!!!!!!! Do we have to continue putting up with this stress?

I have a suggestion...it might sound silly...but....

is there a way you could give this particular parent a "job" to handle....something that will keep him busy and occupied and out of your hair??? If he has a 'responsibility' to look after or commit his time too, perhaps he would leave the board alone...

My first thought is to get this person aside and..., well, let's go with my second thought-explain to him that you don't appreciate his insulting and belittling comments, that every parent here is trying to help make our school a better place for the children, and that being able to work together in a civil fashion, showing basic respect for each other is crucial in order for the parent group to be successful in its' efforts. You can quote this verbatim if you would like. If you don't think you can do that, then let's move on to other thoughts.....

Does he show up at a board meetings or just at general meetings? There is another thread here on the site that discusses non-board members and whether they can attend/speak at board meetings-you might want to check that out.

Otherwise, do you use an agenda at your meetings? If not, start right away, hand the agenda out at the beginning of the meeting, be very clear that you will be sticking to the agenda, and even set time limits for discussion of the items. This may slow him down at least.

If he gets up during a meeting and starts on one of his little "performances", politely interrupt him and ask him if he has a point to make that would aid in the current topic discussion since we are trying to stick to the agenda and get through items in a timely manner. If he makes a point, thank him for it and ask if anyone else has any comments. Basically, don't let him take control of your meetings or speak long enough to get anything started.

If you are afraid that people mistake him for a board member, you could try the subtle tactic of making name tags for all of your board members to wear during meetings and take photos that you can post somewhere in the school as kind of a "help" to let parents know who to contact about various areas/events/programs. Point out at the first meeting where you use the nametags that board members are wearing the tags and that you want to help parents get to know who to go to with questions, issues, or ideas.

It honestly sounds to me like this guy thinks of himself as superior to all of the rest of you(maybe even to the entire world). I know I'd have trouble not chewing him up and spitting him out, so my heart goes out to you.

As for your principal claiming there is nothing she can do, I know that if one of our school staff was insulted by a parent that the principal would speak with that parent.

We have a relatively large volunteer base. We have a few parents that most people refuse to work with, we have virtually no volunteers at the events they run and those volunteers that are there are mismanaged.

While you don't want to alienate your volunteer base, that is exactly what you are doing by not cutting your losses. First, follow Robert's Rules for meetings. They are located on this web site. Don't allow unnecessary and rude comments and/or cross talk. By allowing unnecessary and rude comments and/or cross talk you have lost control of your meeting. As President, it is your job to run and steer the meeting by the agenda you have prepared. Second, if the troubled parent volunteers on a committee, keep them on a tight rein. Point out when they are not following the rules but be sure they are rules that everyone is following.

Be sure to stick to your guns. The whole point of everything is to make the school a better place for the kids, not to feed someone insecurities.

This situation is a bit difficult.

I know that I personally would not stand for it and would have immiediately, upon the first issue, taken this guy aside and explained the problem. But at the same time I could see how this might be intimidating for some...

If so you may need to make things a bit more subtle...

One question, are any of the other active members friends with either he or his wife? If so then this may not work. But you may want to just remove him from the e-mail list. Maybe change your meeting date and/or time for the next meeting, or even the place. Have the meeting out somewhere. He'll show up to the school and wonder what's going on. This is a bit extreme, but maybe this is what it would take to get the message through to him.

But again, if it was me, I would take him aside and explain that "numerous members have complained about your behavior at the meetings. I know that you are a very intelligent and experienced person, but these other members are feeling like you want to control eveything. I want to be able to rely on your knowledge, but at the same time I don't want any of the new members to be alienated away from the group. So I'm asking you if you could try to tone down your responses. Anking questions is great, but not if you already know the answer and are just trying to put someone on the spot. Thanks for understanding!"

Something like that.
PresidentJim

Tell him to leave and don't come back. Tell him that there is a code of conduct for your meetings (Roberts Rules) and since he cannot abide by them, he is a 'persona non grata' (if he's so smart then he should know Latin). Be strong and be firm and don't back down. Who cares if he is insecure.. who cares what motivates him to be so negative. He is toxic and needs to be removed.

No one can intimidate you without your permission.