This is my first year as President but I've been on our Board for 3 years. One member has had a disagreement with one of the Board members over a year ago, they are now not on speaking terms. I spoke to both separately and they said they will work for the benefit of the kids. However, I feel this woman is not. I'll call her Marge.

Marge's behavior at a function we had Friday night was way out of line. I was serving food, with about 6 other women, she came up to me and said as loud as can be "You are the President, you NEED to handle this". Okay. I'm serving food, I have no idea what she is talking about, and the people around me, including guests, look as startled as I do. I realize it had to do with the Board Member.

It turns out that Marge and her son took hold of the utensil to serve themselves food when the volunteer working that station had turned around -- they were replenishing that food. The Board Member told the volunteer to remember she was in charge of the utensil, didn't pay attention to the guets, turned and left. Marge took offense to this. The Board Member wasn't responsible for serving food. That's when she came to me and had her outburst.

This Marge is a known troublemaker and requires alot of attention. In the afternoon she also came into the school, stood there, and said what should she do. I told her who to talk to and she continued to say "well, if they don't want my help I'm leaving". Again, I said, see them and see where they need you.

I am a civil person. I am furious at what she did to me. She embarrassed me in front of everybody. THEN wants me to pity her.

Any idea of what to do about this? I've been told everything from, ignore it, know it is a private issue that I'm being pulled into, but I have to tell her she is not to speak to me ever like that again. I don't know why she had to make that stink in front of everyone. She could have pulled me aside.

Thanks.

Is Marge a board member or just a regular member of the general membership? If she is a board member, I believe I'd start looking the by-laws to see about ousting her as the board is not a place for her to be. If she is just in the general membership, your approach is the right one. BUT, practice figuring out how to say it firmly but without anger. I know it's difficult (I'm dealing with a lot of anger towards one of our volunteers currently), but I think being factual is key.

Maybe in your case, you could say, "Marge, should you have a concern at a PTO function in the future, please make certain to handle it in a quiet, discreet manner. When you spoke to me at the dinner, your voice was very loud with an angry tone. Many of our guests were startled by your outburst. We can't have this happen at PTO functions. Do you understand?"

She'll say something like, "Yeah, but, didn't you SEE what she was doing? She was blah, blah, blah, blah!"

You: "Never-the-less, please make certain to handle any concerns you have in the future quietly and privately so not to upset our guests."

Her: "But she was blah, blah, blah! That's terrible! We can't have people doing blah, blah, blah!"

You: "I understand this upset you, but we're talking about YOUR actions. In the future, make certain you.............."

Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. Don't let her drag you into debate over the other woman's actions, but keep bringing her back around to what SHE did and what SHE isn't to do again.

"Marge" needs attention and the bottom line is you will not change her behavior. You do need to consider how you can best cope with her behavior. You cannot be held hostage to her demands but by the same token you don't want to create an atmosphere where she is completely disassociated. Is it possible to have a sit down with her to give her some feedback? It is important in that conversation to stay focused on her behavior and not make any determinations about her character. If you can possibly describe a specific behavior, for instance:

"When you spoke to me at the event on Saturday I felt your tone was not appopriate for the situtation and it embarrassed me in front of the folks that were present. When that happens I'm not as effective as I should be as far as dealing with your issue and in making things work well for the group. What do you think we can do about that?"

This model of feedback is called SBI (situation, behavior, impact) in management/communication theory and is a good way to isolate inappropriate behaviors and deal with them.

Now, since she needs attention-this isn't going to change...but if you can offer to her that you won't be able to deal with her if she isn't treating you with respect then you've at least set the bar as to your expectations for your collaboration with the group.

Staying as unemotional as possible is very important. "Marge" is a bully. If she comes at you again and begins to rant...use the univeral "stop" sign of putting your hand palm out, toward her and saying firmly but not yelling "Stop Marge". Keep your hand at your waist (not aggressively up at her face or anything) and get her attention by using her name. If that doesn't work, then stand quietly until she's done and let her know that the way she is approaching you is inappropriate and that you cannot deal with that type of communication between a colleague. That way your addressing the behavior. If she comes within some parameters of appropriate behavior, then pay attention to her and see if you can resolve her concern.

Does this sound like you're dealing with a child? Probably--but your goal is to manage these things so that you can get the most support of your parents for the children.

Good luck.
d

It sounds like your by-laws need to be amended to cover this contingency, if not for use by the current board, to protect the harmony and productivity of future boards.

Sounds like you all have your hands full!

Good luck
d

Thanks to those who have jumped in to offer constructive advice on this thread.

Wanted to let you know that I jumped in to delete some of the posts -- in the spirit of "playing nice." Also, just a reminder that the boards are for exchanging ideas, getting advice and connecting with other leaders - not a place to handle local disagreements. Sometimes it's good to take a deep breath and remind ourselves why we are volunteering for parent groups in the first place -- for our kids. You are all volunteering for a great reason and should be commended for giving your time. Something to consider: what problem solving behavior do you want to model for your kids?

Hrmdaisy, it sounds like you have recvd some good advice here and that it has helped you figure out a direction. I hope this situation can be resolved peacefully so you can focus on your job. Wanted to pass along this article:
www.ptotoday.com/pto-today-articles/arti...g-with-disagreements
Hope you find it helpful.

Best of luck,
~ Lisa

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